From the Salmon

Nothing clears up the bad taste of bankruptcy in your mouth faster than a good ol’ forkful of funny.

If you’re in need of a little mouthwash for the soul, then ”The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest” might be just the thing.

Edward George Bulwer-Lytton was a nineteenth-century British author known for his convoluted prose. His opening line to the novel Paul Clifford is perhaps the best known of his work, particularly after Charles Schultz decided to use that line as the starting point for all of Snoopy’s miserable literary efforts:

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the house-tops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.

To honor this patron saint of mangled beginnings, the English Department at San Jose State University began a competition to see who could write the opening line to the world’s worst novel. The contest has run for more than two decades and has produced some real doozies.

For a good laugh at some painfully tortured writing, head on over to the ”Lyttony of Grand Prize Winners” (their pun, not mine).

Some of them are a little gimmicky, but many of them are just magnificent. My particular favorite is the champion from 1986:

The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant for those who hadn’t heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it but your brain wasn’t reacting yet to let you know.

Read. Weep. Enjoy. And if you are inspired enough to submit an opening line of your own, make sure to let me know.